Always Both

If this page were a roadmap to somewhere,

are we following along certain lines or are we drawing our own lines with our own understandings? Seems like we do a bit of both simultaneously.

And are we repeating our understandings or are we exploring newer ones for ourselves? Again, feels like some of both.

If we’re repeating:

— is it because we ‘want’ to or because we ‘have’ to?

— if it’s because we ‘have’ to, don’t we feel dishonest towards our own feelings when we act out of ‘obedience’?

— if we’re repeating something because we ‘want’ to, don’t we often feel selfish? And too much so, especially if we’ve overlooked the everyone else nearby in our singleness of focus as we do what we ‘want’. (Simple illustration: I get myself a cup of coffee without looking up for one moment to notice if anyone might also want something as I am on my way.) None of this is complicated to grasp mentally. It’s the being mindful that we forget. Duh. (Forgetting is the definition of not being mindful, and not, not-knowing, as so many popularly believe.) I know it’s better for me to be mindful in the moment. I simply can’t seem to remember to do that in the moment. That kind of forgetting.

Anyway, if we’re exploring:

The first surprise of many is:

— it’s the same set of questions that apply (wait, what?) and are helpful in illuminating myself, showing myself, revealing myself to myself as and when I explore these questions…am I exploring because I ‘want’ to or ‘have’ to…etc.?

I can not do either especially well by myself…I can hardly imagine what I haven’t yet experienced or felt…all of this newness in the now…

I can try.

We all do try.

I can get stuck in repeating without knowing it. I can ‘feel’ the stuckness though.

I can get confused in exploring with the thinking that pops up. I can ‘sense’ that too.

I can learn from repeating.

I can learn from exploring.

It is my undeniable truth, however, as plain as it is,
that I am fuller, livelier and lovelier
when and as I am in togetherness with all of you…any of you…each of you…

Granted, on the outsides of things, on the appearances of things,

I am definitely not all that. Thank goodness. Sincerely. That represents its own set of challenges.

Now, would it be impertinent and too bold of me to express that, for me,
on my insides (whatever that really is), and in every moment of my spacetime,
exploring, repeating and seeking my truths
through and with honest connection with others has made the world of difference to my life’s experiences? It doesn’t feel like a boast but a blessing I am acknowledging. 

I am as grateful as I am mystified. As full as full for now can be…and it feels odd and calm…

I know you’ll help me ‘see’ what I’m missing…wink wink.